Unemployment

I mentioned it yesterday.  Exactly two weeks ago today, I became unemployed.  Long story short. . .actually it's a short story. . .I was cut from the budget which was suffering pretty badly.  They decided to skin some from the 'top'.  And since I was the highest paid cook, responsibilities and seniority be damned, I got chucked.

Slightly bitter, but not really angry at all.  It's business.  It's the economy.  Whatever.  Surprise and fear are the more overwhelming.  Yes, I was surprised.  I'll be honest, I knew someone was going to lose their job in the kitchen.  I didn't see the hard numbers.  But being there day to day and doing the weekly ordering and inventory, I could see what was happening.  But I didn't think it was going to be me.  Mentally, I was preparing to have to adjust to doing even more work with less people.  And I've never been fired before.  I've always been retained while others have been sent away.  I'd always been considered valuable, well, by most.  At least valuable enough to take advantage of.  Haha.  It is an unexpected and grim reminder to always keep in mind that no matter how valuable you think you are, you can always be replaced.

I'm over the surprise.  What's left now is the fear.  This came at the most inopportune time because I have no money in my pocket.  What cushion I had disappeared this year in unexpected medical bills.  I was budgetting hard, saving small increments in order to buy a new computer which I really needed.  I had just managed to put that computer together for only $450 dollars, bought piece by piece taking advantage of sales and rebates over a two month period and built myself.  I was very proud of my DIY purchasing prowess.  Not having any other big expense plans, I was looking forward to slowly building a savings again, assuming no big surprises, knock on wood.  SURPRISE!  Should have knocked harder.  I got laid off.  Right after the unpaid holidays, halfway through a pay period.  My last check was less then half of a normal paycheck and all of it has gone to bills.  So right now, January rent and bills. . .I don't know.

I'm not sitting on my duff doing nothing but being depressed.  I am depressed, and suddenly having 40+ hours of free time a week, I do find myself sitting more.  But I'm trying not to stop.  I can't let myself do nothing.  I've filed for unemployment and foodstamps.  In a couple weeks if I'm still jobless we'll see about LIHEAP.  Looking at the numbers, it's extremely bare minimum, what I can get to cover my costs.  I've asked to defer those things that I can, but some bills just can't be.  I'm going to have to depend on money from my boyfriend's part-time and sporadic temp jobs to help manage the gaps.  And the longer this goes on I'll have to turn to *gulp* my mother.

I hate it.  It's depressing.  I don't want to have to depend on anyone to take care of me.  I despise the thought that I am now on welfare.  I've lived so many years being self-reliant.  It's hard on my ego.  I thank god, however, that my ego isn't so strong that it makes me stupid enough to not take up the necessary options to survive.

Everyday, I do the job search.  I send out emails and fill out applications on every possible line cook/sous chef job I see.  Next week, I plan on getting desperate and looking for things outside my line of work.  But, once again, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid the longer I stay unemployed, the harder it will be to find a kitchen job worth my salt.  I'm afraid if I stray from looking for cooking jobs and find something else, it too will make it hard to go back to cooking.  I want to cook.  I want to work in the restaurant/food industry.  Anything else is second best and I don't want that.  I'm afraid that the longer I'm not in a kitchen, the more my skills will fade.

And so I've made a decision.  I have more time.  I need to fill it and I need to fill it with productive things.  I can't look for jobs all day long because there just aren't enough job possibilities to fill all that time.  I've made the house a little cleaner, I've filled the dumspter alot fuller.  I've been purging.  And now I'm going to blog more.  It will give me something to do.  And more importantly, it will help me keep my focus on those skills I'm afraid to lose.  Because I'm going to focus on blogging about my daily meals.  I've found more time to cook at home and it's what I want to do when I got nothing else to do.  And the past two weeks, I've made some yummy things, I think.  I might as well blog about it and see what kind of meals I can make on such a little budget.